101 ways to annoy people. I dare you not to laugh...

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. don't use any punctuation either.

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact..

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

The Wife Tag: MicaLee (aka Wonder Woman)

(I drew this in college…gifted, I know.)

So, thanks for the tag Dove, here's the down low on the wife for all to know.

What is her name? Her mom says it is Micalee, her birth certificate says MicaLee, you can call her Mica.

How long have you been married? 8 yrs, 1 month, 21 days…

How long did you date? 7 months, including the broken-up days (we were still together in my heart).

How old is she? 28

Who eats more? She eats more, but shows it less.

Who said "I love you" first? Me, but I am sure she was thinking it..hehehe.

Who is taller? Me

Who sings better? Her, it's like comparing a song-bird to a toad with a frog in its throat.

Who is smarter? I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t, I mean s-m-a-r-t.

Whose temper is worse? I think I lose my temper more often, but she loses it worse, if that makes sense. (Dove, you are sexy when you are mad.)

Who does the laundry? She does, folding clothes is the bane of her existence. There are few things she hates more laundry.

Who does the dishes? Usually her, but I help out once in blue moon.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Define right? If you snuck in and looked at us, she would be on the right, but from my point of view, in bed, I am on the right. Am I right or am I right.

Who pays the bills? We both do.

Who mows the lawn? I do, once every 3 months or so…it's not pretty…or big.

Who cooks dinner? Café Rio. J/K she does…most nights.

Who drives when you are together? Me, unless we are going to her Moms, then she does, it's weird.

Who is more stubborn? Mica is…she passed on the trait to Chloey. Mom and daughter…very stubborn.

Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Me, no wait I'm wrong…

Whose parents do you see the most? We see Mica's more often. She has to get her "mommy fix" more often than I do.

Who proposed? I did. I almost feel like I pulled a fast one on her. "Will you marry me? What's that over there!"

Who has more friends? Mica. Everywhere we go, we run into them.

Who wears the pants in the family? Mica does, and I like the way they make her butt look good, but I bought them…

THE HUSBAND TAG

THE HUSBAND TAG

Where we met: At Adam's girlfriends apartment at Cinnamon Tree in BYU housing

How long we Dated before we got hitched: five and a half months

How long have we been married: eight years

What's my Fav feature about him: his eyes and smile (dimples)

What's my fav quality about him: He is so easy going and such a great husband and father and he cries in movies. He is also a very hard worker.

What's his nickname for me: Dove

His fav color: I would say yellow because he is such a happy guy.

His fav food: Sea food pasta

His fav sport: basketball or golf

Who said the L word first: Adam said it a week before I did.

First kiss when and where: The end of March-to the first of April in my apartment at Cinnamon Tree.

Favorite couple thing to do: Go out to eat and a movie.

How many kids: three

His hidden talent: He loves to write and read. He is very good at climbing trees. I would say his best talent is making people feel comfortable in our home.

His age: 32

His favorite music: Everything

What i admire most about him: His tender heart

His favorite pastimes: Probably his mission

Will he read his: Yes, he loves blogging

Did you ever stop to think and forget to start again...?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

IF 7-11 is open 24-7 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors.

Why is something sent in a car a shipment, and on a ship cargo?

IF LIFE WAS A HORROR MOVIE, THIS IS HOW TO SURVIVE.

Thank me later...

# 1. Even though you think you already killed the Monster, don’t go near it to make sure. Trust me, it's not dead.


# 2. When running away from the Monster give yourself a good head start, you will fall down at least twice (more if you are a girl). Just for the record: even though you are running as fast as you can and the Monster is walking, it will still catch you.


# 3. If you are being chased by something evil, remember that your car will not start at once, you’ll need to try several times, even if the car is new, and it has never failed before.


# 4. If you are shooting a monster with a gun, make sure that you have extra bullets, because you’ll run out of them when you are one shot from killing the monster.


# 5. Never, ever look into a mirror, bend over, and then look back into the mirror again.


# 6. Don't go into corn fields at night. Wait until morning.


# 7. If your kids talk to themselves, they are not talking to themselves. Run.


# 8. Ask why the house is so cheap.


# 9. If you found out your house was built on the ancient cemetery or close to it, or if people who lived there before you committed suicide, or went crazy, or suffered some tragic death (no matter what kind of death), you should move immediately.


# 10. If you hear a weird noise and then realize it was just your cat, it was not just your cat. Run away immediately, if you want to survive.


# 11. If you walk into a crowded room and no one is talking, but everyone is staring at you, just turn around quietly, and walk away.


# 12. If your blender or any other household appliance switches on by itself, don't try and figure it out! Give up everything and move!


# 13. Never go down to the basement.


# 14. Never get close to any grave, or crypt.


# 15. Don’t laugh at dead people or zombies, just leave them alone.


# 16. If you are at a party, and it's night, don't walk around by yourself.


# 17. If your friends are having a party and everyone but you has a date, don’t go. Monsters always get the single people first. Be smart and stay home.


# 18. If your friend starts acting strange, if they start hissing for no reason, howling, running around spitting, or trying to bite everyone, get out of there as fast as you can.


# 19. If you come to unknown town and there’s nobody around, and the streets are empty, there is some reason for it, and it's not a town picnic. Get away!


# 20. If you ran out of gas in an unknown place, don’t knock on the door of a strange house asking for help or looking for a phone.


# 21. Remember that the sheriff in a small town is usually a bad guy, and cooperates with maniacs.


# 22. Don’t get into genetic engineering, unless you want to be killed by your creation.


# 23. Keep away from certain places, like Elm Street, Transylvania, Bermuda Triangle… etc.


# 24. Be aware of strangers, especially if they are holding a chain-saw, scissors of any kind, a hammer, a loan mower, or any other type of equipment that can be used to hurt you.


# 25. If you hear something outside and it is night. Don't go check it out. No good ever came from that kind of logic.


# 26. If you are home alone don't take a bath, especially one that steams up the windows and mirrors.


# 27. If the phone won't work and you know for sure that you’re home alone, and you hear someone walking upstairs, just GET OUT OF THERE, don’t go to find out who it could be. Unless, of course, you want to die.


# 28. If you are one of the lucky ones and survived the monster's killing spree, don’t ever go back to that place. The monster is not dead. He is waiting.


# 29. If the people around you are acting like aliens it is because they are, don’t call the Police, because they are aliens too. Your best bet is to run for your life.


# 30. If animals like birds, snakes and spiders start acting a little aggressive towards humans, don't try and figure it out, and if your friend is a scientist who specializes in birds, snakes and spiders, then that is the last place you should go.


# 31. If you have landed on an unknown planet and found something that looks like eggs, don’t touch them.


# 32. Don’t you ever go THERE!! (“There” means dark basement, dark storage area, dark park, dark anything).


# 33. If you somehow lose one or several parts of your body, don’t be upset. You can easily replace them with a chain-saw or any other weapon.


# 34. If a zombie bites you, there’s no chance for you to survive, no matter how much of the antidote you took. Sooner or later you’ll become one of THEM.


# 35. You’d better believe; the unbelievers always die first, right after saying something like, "there is no such thing as monsters!"


# 36. You can predict everything that could possibly go wrong, except, of course, what will actually go wrong.


# 37. If your friend does not like to be in direct sunlight. He is not your friend, and you should move to a new state. Don't tell your friend why your moving or where.


# 38. If you have a nightmare about a maniac in the house and then wake up to a strange sound, hide under your covers and play dead, it is your only hope.


# 39. If you throw away something that belonged to you like an old doll or a toy and it suddenly appears again in your house, leave the country at once. Oh yeah, the cursed object will probably be in your trunk.


# 40. The crazy homeless person who claims to know something about killing monsters. They are not crazy, they know something. stay close to them.


# 41. If dogs, cats or other animals start going wild in the presence of someone, try to avoid dealing with this person, it does not matter if they are your kid/husband/wife/friend.


# 42. Don’t drive away from the Interstate to some small unknown town.


# 43. When a maniac starts telling you, slowly, what is he going to do with you- that’s the right moment to escape!


# 44. Never offend or bully quiet boys and girls at school, especially if they have invisible friends and don't blink...ever.


# 45 If you hear scary music, run.


# 46. If you ask your spouse to find out the origin of a weird noise in the house and he’s not back in 5 minutes, don’t go after him. He’s already dead.


# 47. Never open the closet door, or look under the bed.


# 48. When entering a dark room, at least TRY to turn on the light.


# 49. OR.. entering the dark room, if you can't turn on the light, put on something black and be quiet.


# 50. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Randomness: Just When You Expected It.

This morning Chloey came in the room telling me she hurt her left shoulder. I was amazed that she was actually holding her left shoulder too. I asked her how she knew that it was her left shoulder? "Because," she said, "this is my right shoulder (pointing to her right shoulder) and this one is my wrong." Can't argue with that kind of logic.

Las Rosas

"The gods too are fond of a joke."

-Aristotle

I wrote this story for a Mormon Literature Class, I took last semester. It is based on true events, the names have been changed to protect the fact that I have a terrible memory.

Las Rosas

Elder Dean Murdock was green, but he was prepared for his mission. I was his trainer. His Spanish was broken but good, and he understood it well, more importantly he understood the Spirit. He smiled and laughed a lot, but he wasn't, however, smiling that day. He had been in El Salvador now for one week and was covered with some kind of rash and he was in pain. He was sitting, wrapped in a blanket at the card table which served our companionship as a place for meals, studying, writing and anything else you could do with a table. Our pupilaye had tile floors, brick walls, the traditional tile roof, and two beds on either side of the table, a small bathroom and large metal duct that ran from one end of the house to other with both openings outside the house -we never figured out the purpose of that- and that was where we lived. Dean had large red bumps all over his body; when the President saw them he called it "funky, jungle fungus." We were leaving El Refugio for the day, so Elder Murdock could receive medical attention. A 2 hour bus ride later we were standing in the Mission Office, waiting for the Doctor to have a look at Murdock. President asked me to come into his office and close the door behind me. We had a quick conversation, in which he never looked up from what he was reading.

"Elder your companion looks pretty bad."

"I know."

"Have you given him a blessing?"

"No."

"Well you should have. You could have healed him, it would have saved you from wasting time here that could have been spent spreading the good word."

"You're right. Sorry. I'll remember that next time."

"Also, it would have cost less."

"Right."

The doctor gave us some anti-jungle fungus cream for Dean to put on every day until his painful rash went away. It made him smell rotten, but it also made him feel better. For him it was a good trade, but I would have rather him endured the pain than me endure the smell. A couple of days later, Elder Murdock woke up ready to go back to work. That was the day we met Abril and her daughter Raquel.

El Refugio (The Refuge-from what I don't know) was the largest area in our mission, it spread up the mountain side and had several small colonies that were still virgin territory for us missionaries, which was nice. My last area was the smallest in the mission, a little place called Santa Ana, where I could walk from one side to the other in under 10 minutes. Ironically it had more people than El Refugio. We had decided to visit one of these colonies called Las Rosas. It was 30 minutes up the side of the mountain. The hike gave us time to talk and think, but most importantly, it gave us time to play shoe soccer. Shoe soccer is where you try to kick a rock, any rock will do, through your companions legs while he is walking. Whoever scores the most goals, or whoever doesn't quit first (a rock to the ankle is extremely painful), wins. We were just outside of the Las Rosas when I screamed out in pain. I had just been nailed in the ankle by a rock the size of baseball, I looked around to see if anyone besides my companion heard me, and there was Pastor Sombrero staring at us. I never learned his real name, but he always wore a huge hat that hid his face in shadow. He was leaning on a broom, standing in the doorway to a church. The church was a plain one room building with mud/plaster for walls and corrugated tin for the roof. The outside walls were painted blue and there was a white cross above the door and below a sign that said La Asamblea de Dios. I waved and received nothing in return. He continued to stare at us until we turned the corner and entered into Las Rosas.

"That guy was creepy." I said to my companion, looking over my shoulder to make sure he was out of sight.

"Totally, I'd like to give him a "crow kick" to the face."

"Crow kick?" Rather than answer, he showed me. He stood on one leg, spread out his arms above his head and lifted his other leg off the ground, and just stood there for a minute. Smiling, he then jumped and kicked the air with the foot he had been standing on, and ungracefully landed on his other foot, arms still stretched above his head.
"You know, the Karate Kid, the crow kick?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Crow kick?" I started laughing at him. "You mean the Crane kick."

"Oh yeah, crane, crow, same thing." We laughed some more. Elder Murdock from that moment on became: Crow. When we had settled down, we decided to knock a few doors and introduce ourselves. We were received rather coldly, nobody wanted to talk to us in Las Rosas. By that evening we had given up on that area and started walking home. I was in deep thought about the work when Crow, the brave man that he was, grabbed me from behind and pushed me toward the opposite side of the road. I looked up and to my horror saw a horse running right at me. It was actually a Great Dane. I just wrote horse so you would understand how big it was. I am 6'4" and the top of this dog's head came to my chin. It was barking and stopped far enough away from me as to not inflict damage with it's massive teeth, but close enough for me to smell its breath and feel slobber hitting my face. I looked back and Crow was trying unsuccessfully to hide behind a small bush. He will pay for this, I thought to myself. He had sacrificed his companion to save his own skin, how un-missionary like. I closed my eyes and waited for the dog to kill me.

"Caballo! Venga!" The dog stopped barking, licked my cheek and walked back across the street to where an older lady, who was not any taller than the dog led it to her porch where it laid down. How ironic, I thought to myself, that the dog that I had originally thought was a horse, should turn out to be named Caballo (horse). Crow and I introduced ourselves to the lady, who in turn, introduced herself as Abril de los Remedios Hernandez Lamas. She called to her daughter who shyly came out to meet us. Her name was Raquel Consuelo, she was maybe 4'10'' and 90 lbs. She had dark brown skin, brown hair down to her waist, brown eyes, and only half her teeth, which also were brown. She looked like a younger version of her mother. She was 14 years old. We shook her hand and introduced ourselves.

She looked at my name tag and said, "Elder Hee-bones." Hee-bones was the way the Salvadorians pronounced my last name. From that day on, Crow called me Bones, and we became the Crow and Bones show. We asked if we could share a message with them and explained what we were doing in their part of the world. Abril informed us that she belonged to the only church around, La Asemblea de Dios, but that Raquel was welcome to listen to us, since she refused to go to church, and a little religion might do her good. Raquel agreed and we gave her the first discussion while her her mom made tortillas around back. She liked the idea that there had been prophets living on her continent in the past and said she would read the Book of Mormon. She was also fascinated with Joseph Smith's story. We told her we would come back in a day or two to follow-up. On the way back down Sombrero was nowhere to be seen. I half-expected him to jump out from behind a bush and attack us with his broom.

The next day was Saturday, so we decided to visit our new friends and their dog named Horse, and invite them to our church the next day. We got there just after lunch. Along the way Sombrero was sitting on a little bench outside his church, and once again refused to acknowledge our friendly waves. Abril and Raquel were sitting on their porch with Caballo talking when we walked up. We invited them to church the next day. Once again Abril politely declined our offer, stating that she had her church at the same time. When we asked if Raquel could come, Abril said that she would not have time, because she needed to "beat" their beans. They had picked all their bean plants and let them dry in the sun, and now they needed to be whacked with a big stick, so that the beans would fall off the plants onto a tarp on the ground. Crow and I decided that here was an opportunity to serve. We spent the next 3 hours knocking 430 lbs of beans to the ground and gathering them up into big bags. When we were done, our white shirts were no longer white, and we wreaked of dirt and sweat. Despite our appearance we gave Raquel the second discussion that evening. We explained to her the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We explained the LDS versions of faith, repentance, baptism and the Gift of the Holy Ghost. We asked her how she felt about being baptized. She said she did not know, but she would let us know tomorrow after the meetings what she thought of our church. She also had not had a chance to read the Book of Mormon yet, and said that since she had the time now, she would read. We left her, feeling sore and tired, but we decided that it was a good way to feel at the end of the day for a missionary.

The soreness we felt Saturday night was nothing compared to the soreness we felt Sunday Morning. Part of that soreness was in no doubt brought on by Raquel not coming to church. We felt cheated, angered really, and decided to visit her right after the meetings to see what had happened. As soon as church let out, so did the skies. In El Salvador when it rains, it does so with no warning, and it comes down in wheel barrows, not just buckets. And as missionaries, you just learned to work right through it. At the foot of the trail leading to Las Rosas, was a fat, drunk man who could barely stand up or talk. He tried to grab us as we walked by. We took a step back.

"God blesh shyou hermanoshs." He speach was slurred, it looked like he had been drinking all morning. He could barely lift his head up enough to look us in the eyes. He then grabbed Crow's hand and stuck it against his forehead. "Blesh me Diosh." And then he started crying. Crow looked at me and smiled. I just shook my head.
"You want God to bless you?" Crow said in English, lifting the mans eyes to meet his own. "Stop drinking, and start praying." He removed his hand from his head. He looked at Crow and then at me, he was confused.

"Nice," I said to Crow. It was still raining and the man slipped and fell in the mud. We helped him to his feet and he fell again. I thought to myself, what kind of man gets this drunk by mid-afternoon. "What's your name?"

"Miguel."

"Donde vive?" I asked the man. "Where do you live?" He pointed up the mountain towards Las Rosas. "Are you heading there now? He shook his head, yes. I looked at Crow who was now shaking his head the other way, and I smiled. "Can we help you get home?"

"Shi shenor grashiush" We helped Miguel onto his feet, and we both took an arm over our shoulders and slowly walked up the trail. For those who have never done it, it is hard dragging a 250 lb. man up a hill for an hour, in the mud and rain. We had to stop several times to rest and to pick him back up. He mumbled the whole time about how he was going to accept God into his life and change his wicked ways, which is what all the borrachos would say until they spotted another bottle of alcohol. As we passed La Asemblea de Dios, we could see several people inside singing and clapping. There was Sombrero standing in the doorway, looking at us through the down pour and he smiled. I don't know if the site of two Mormon Elders covered in mud, dragging a fat, drunk man up the road amused him or if he was smiling to see such a good Christian act. Somehow I doubted the latter. When we got into Las Rosas Miguel asked us to leave him on a bench in front of a little tienda where he promptly fell asleep. We really wanted to buy a soda and some food, but it was still the sabbath. So we sat down next to the drunk man and rested for a minute. When we stood up to move on the rain stopped as suddenly as it started, and out came the sun. We walked over to Raquel's house and petted Caballo who had taken up his position on the porch, and knocked on their door. Raquel answered.

"We missed you in church." I said. "We were really looking forward to having you come. Oh well, maybe next week?"

"No," she said. Crow's opened up his eyes a little wider.

"What? I am still sore from helping you beat beans yesterday, so you would come!" Crow was fuming. Raquel was obviously upset. Crow settled down and out came his smile again. "Que paso?"

"My father wouldn't let me go. He told me that you guys are nothing but liars and devils." Her father? For some reason up to that point I had thought it was just Raquel and her mom.

"Do you think we are liars and devils?" I asked, looking her in the eyes.

"No."

"Does your mom?"

"No."

"Where is she?" Crow asked.

"At church."

"And where is your father?" I asked. "We would like to talk to him."

"He's gone somewhere."

We decided not to press the issue and sat down to visit with her. We gave her the third discussion. We explained how the ancient church was formed and that it fell into apostasy, and that Joseph Smith had restored the truth of Christ's Gospel and the organization of His church to the earth in these latter-days. I rubbed behind Caballo's ears as Crow bore his testimony, in broken Spanish, to her about the importance of being baptized as a member into Christ's true church. Then I bore my testimony to here about the prophet Joseph Smith.

"I heard that name today." We spun around to see Abril standing up behind us. She must have just left her church.

"What name?"

"Joseph Smith. We learned about him today in church."

"La Asemblea de Dios talked about Joseph Smith today? What did Sombrero say?" I asked.

"Who?"

"Your Pastor."

"Oh, well he said that Joseph Smith was a devil worshiper, and that the devil would help him find hidden gold in the ground. That's how he had money to start his false church, and buy his 50 wives." I couldn't tell if she believed it or not. "That's why my husband won't let Raquel go to your church. He's afraid you will kill her and sacrifice her to Satan." My jaw dropped, and I didn't have to look over to know that Crow was doing the same thing.

"What!?" It was both a statement and a question, it was also all I could get out.

"Do you believe that?" Crow asked with a concerned look on his face. He glanced from Raquel to Abril.

"I don't think so. You seem like nice people, not like satanists." I wondered if she knew any satanists. Raquel just shook her head, she didn't believe it either.
"It is all lies, Abril, we are Christians. We believe in Christ!" Crow said it a little too loudly.

"Abril," I said quietly, "my whole mission, I have been preaching about Christ. And during that time, I have heard things like this before. I guess it doesn't really surprise me that the truth would be met with such opposition and hatred. It happened to Christ and his followers 2000 years ago, why should we expect anything less?"

"You don't worship Joseph Smith?

"No," I said, "we worship Christ and our Father in Heaven, just like you. Joseph Smith is just a prophet like Moses or Abraham. He restored the Gospel for us."

"I believe you. Why would my pastor say things that weren't true?" She was confused.

"Fear." I stood up, I looked at Crow and nodded toward the street. I was tired, wet, and muddy, and I hated where this discussion was going. "We need to go." He nodded and stood up. We asked Raquel how the Book of Mormon was going. She told us that she hadn't started it yet but she intended to. I shook my head again. As we walked back down the mountain, there was Sombrero still standing in the doorway, it appeared that he hadn't even moved from earlier, but his smile seemed bigger, more mocking. I felt rage building up inside me. I turned and walked straight toward him.
"Elder!" Crow yelled,"what are you doing?" I did not respond, but kept walking down the path towards Sombrero. When we were a few yards away. He slipped into the door and closed it behind him. When I got to the door I pounded on it. "He's not going to answer, Bones. He is afraid to talk to us." I waited several minutes at the door, until I was convinced that Crow was right. I looked up at the plain white cross above the door and shook my head in disgust. "Assembly of God. Huh!" Crow declared as he read the sign above the cross as well as my mind. "This is the last place I think God would visit." I smiled at Crow, he was a good missionary.

On the way down we discussed if it was worth our time to continue the long hike up and down to teach one little girl, who wouldn't read the Book of Mormon, and who had parents that were not supportive or interested in our message. So far they were also the only ones to talk to us at all in Las Rosas. We decided to return one more time in a few days. When we reached the bottom of the mountain my companion asked me a question.

"Bones, how can someone who truly thinks they were teaching the word of God, and trying to help people, be so deceived that they would spread lies about us, without talking to us? Do you really think Sombrero believes what he told his congregation, that we worship Joseph Smith and the devil?"

"I don't know, Crow, but I think he knows that what he is doing and saying about us is wrong. Maybe he's threatened by us. Maybe he's afraid that his friends and neighbors that come to his church will stop listening to him, once they listen to us. I remember my trainer, Elder Garcia, told me a story about his conversion once." I smiled as I remembered it. "Elder Garcia belonged to an evangelical church in Guatemala. Well, one day, a friend of his brought a Book of Mormon to show their pastor and get his opinion on it." Here I stopped and pointed at Crow, the way Elder Garcia had pointed at me when he told me the story. Mimicking the the pastor, I said "Brother, do not read that book, because if you read it, you will go join their church, and end up in Hell!" We both laughed. "Elder Garcia couldn't get a copy fast enough, and his pastor proved prophetic, he joined the church. But I doubt he will end up in Hell." We both smiled. When we got to our pupilaye there was a sign posted on the door advertising a dance in the center of town the next night. It was going to be sponsored by Pilsner, a beer company, that was going to give every person who came free beer.

"I don't remember getting free beer, at the dances I went to in Ogden," Crow said with a smile. "What a jip!" We both laughed again and headed inside.

"Elder," I said to Crow once we were inside, "what more can we do for Abril and Raquel than we are doing?" He looked at me for a second, and then looked at his knees.

"My pants aren't worn out yet." That was all he said. It was all he needed to say. We had companion prayer and pleaded for help from the Lord until my legs fell asleep. When we were finished praying Crow climbed into bed and said "Good night Bones. Thanks for being a great trainer." After Crow had fallen asleep, I climbed out of bed, and knelt down again in the dark. I remember feeling overwhelmed. The Lord was asking too much of me. Dealing with people who mocked us, and didn't want to listen. Training a missionary who watched my every move, wanting to learn everything he could. We hadn't had a real positive discussion with an investigator since Crow came on the mission. I remember feeling so down and frustrated with the work. I felt abandoned.

"Lord", I said, "this work is too hard, it is too much, our hard work has not produced any fruit." After saying that I dropped my head onto the bed and cried. After a moment I said,"Lord, I cannot do it without your help," in that instant I heard a voice whisper right back to me, and I cannot do it without your help." I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Nothing but blackness. I do not know if the voice came from my own mind or from some other source. I do know that while the room was black, the darkness I had felt was gone. In its place was peace. I grabbed my journal, and because it was dark, I opened to a random page and scribbled perpendicular to the lines on the page the words: I cannot do it without your help. I climbed into bed and went to sleep.

That next day, was a p-day and we stayed around the main part of El Refugio and after writing some letters we tried to get some references from members of the ward. We got one promising lead, a lady in her twenties who had listened to the discussions before, her name Yaneth Mendoza. She had heard the discussions 7 times in the past 4 years from different companionships and never felt like committing. We visited her and gave her the first discussion again. She told us that this time she really wanted to commit to our religion. It was a great first discussion. After leaving Yaneth's house that evening we were exited for the first time in quite a while about an investigator, but our soaring spirits were soon grounded. The dance was starting and all over the center of town were kids with beers. Kids as young as 10 were drinking their free beers and dancing. Crow spotted Raquel with some of her friends drinking and laughing. We went over to her. She waved and introduced us to her friends. They offered us beer, and we politely declined. It bothered me that she was drinking. Crow reminded me that in her defense, we still hadn't given her the fourth discussion, which teaches investigators about the word of wisdom. I agreed. We asked Raquel if she had read the Book of Mormon yet? The answer was again: no. This time though, she said, she started it, but her father grabbed it and through it in the fire. I doubted she had put up much of a fight. We asked her if we could come by the next day to talk to her about drinking and bring her another book. She shrugged and wandered off. We took it as a yes and headed home.

The next morning there were a lot of people moving around, more than was normal for so early in the morning. We saw a man from the ward, Vincente, who was out on his porch and we stopped to say hi.

"What's with all the people?" I asked.

He pointed at the road a few yards away. We turned and looked. There on the dirt road, a few yards away was a huge dark brown spot, within which were smaller pools of red. "You missed it. The police just took the body away in a wheelbarrow."

"What happened?" I tried to prepare myself. I had seen this kind of thing before, Crow had not. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Some drunk kids at the dance started fighting with some other kid, because he asked one of their girlfriends to dance. So they cornered him here and hacked him to death with machetes. I knew the boy, he was only 13. The ones that did it ran away, but they were the same age." Crow understood enough. Machetes, kids, 13. With my hand on his shoulder I felt his knees buckle as he listened to Vincente.
"Come on," I pulled him away and we started up the road to Las Rosas. We walked in silence and we didn't play shoe soccer. After a while he stopped.
"Bones."

"Yeah, Crow?"

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"This...mission. One minute I am on spiritual high, and the next I feel like I'm falling and that the world is spinning out of control around me. How do you do it?"

"Asi es la vida, asi es la mision."

"What?"

"That's life, that's the mission. You get used to it." I slapped him on the back, but he wasn't done.

"How could little kids kill each other with machetes?" He looked at me, waiting for my words of wisdom.

"Don't blame those kids, blame the beer companies," was all I could think to say. I started walking up the hill again. He looked at me for a second, nodded his head in agreement, and followed.

When we got to Raquel's house she was alone for the moment, and we told her about the incident with the boys after the dance. She hadn't heard about it and didn't know who the boy was. I remember thinking that she didn't seem as concerned as she should have been. We talked to her for awhile about the word of wisdom and of chastity. The machete incident helped us get our point across a little easier about the dangers of alcohol and promiscuity. We pulled out another Book of Mormon to give to her, but she refused it. She said her father would just throw it away like the last one. Speaking of her father, that was about the time we met Miguel for the second time. He was the fat, drunk man who we had dragged up the mountain in the rain and mud. Somehow I thought he would remember us from that day but he didn't. We shook his hand and introduced ourselves.
"Elders," he said, "I don't want you here teaching my daughter your lies."
"What lies, Miguel?" I asked. He just laughed and shook his head. Like he knew some secret that we didn't. "You don't remember us do you?"

"No, should I?"

"We pulled you up here from the street on Sunday when you were too drunk to stand up. We left you right over there." I pointed towards the little store front bench where he asked us to leave him.

He looked over and looked back at us. "I don't remember that at all." He turned and walked around back of the house calling Caballo as he left. Caballo jogged after him wagging his tail. Abril then showed up. She had been at her neighbors. She just stood there for awhile looking at us, not knowing what to do and then sat down.

"You lied to me Elders," she said, "and I want you to leave and not come back." I looked at Crow and back at Abril.

"What are you talking about?"

"My pastor was right about you Mormons. You worship Joseph Smith, and you offered my neighbor $1500.00 dollars to get baptized in your devil church!" She pointed next door as she said this.

"Abril, we have never talked to your neighbor in our lives. You and Raquel are the only people who have ever talked to us up here. Your friend is lying."

I could see that she didn't like me calling her friend a liar. "Last night we had a meeting at the church, and the pastor warned us to be very wary of you two. He said that your were going around offering money and all kinds of false promises to those who will listen to your message. He said your Mormon Book was filled with satanic magic that hypnotized anyone who read it into joining your cult. I didn't believe him at first, but then several members of the congregation stood up and testified that you had come to their houses and done that very thing!" She pointed next door again. "Including her! She said you offered here $1500.00 dollars to join your church and that all she had to do was be baptized and drink the blood of a lamb!" She was furious.

Quietly I answered, "Abril, we never did such a thing. Your pastor must have convinced people to testify against us. Why?, I don't know."

"Elder Hee-bones, I have known my neighbor for 30 years and she has never done a dishonest thing. Do you really expect me to call her a liar and take your word over hers, and others form this community, when I only met you last week? You should go now. Please go." She looked at Raquel and then at the ground. All I could see in my mind was Sombrero leaning on his broom and smiling as wide as ever. I thought of the scripture that says the Devil has a huge chain around the world and he looks up towards heaven and laughs. I stood up, and Crow stood up after me. I looked at Raquel, at Abril, then at the sky and then back at Abril.

I was angry."That church," I pointed towards La Asemblea de Dios "is a false church. It's pastor, who professes to teach about Jesus, is going against Christ and spreading lies about Christ's true church. A church that battles against God and is founded on false doctrine cannot stand. That man is trying to destroy the Gospel of Jesus Christ, he is impeding the salvation of all the people here, and his church will fall. It cannot stand. It will fall." Abril just looked at me, she said no more. Crow and I turned and walked away for the last time. As we passed La Asemblea de Dios, there was Sombrero, face still covered in shadow. I never saw him without that hat on. He smiled at us again, and then for the first time, he waved. It was a wave goodbye. We didn't wave back.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never did return to Las Rosas, neither did Crow. Six months later I was a Zone Leader in a city called Ahuachapan. One morning, on a p-day, My companion Elder Sian and I were in the market buying some things, when I felt a tug on my shirt. I turned around and there was Abril. She was at the market, where she went once a month. I said hello and introduced her to my companion. We talked for a minute, but our conversation eventually turned to Las Rosas.

"Elder, my friend admitted to me that she had lied about you visiting her. She said that our pastor put her up to it. He said she was doing God's work."

I smiled, "and are you still going to that church?" I asked.

"Oh no. It fell!" She was excited.

I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.

"It fell?"

"Just like you said it would. About a month after you left, they were replacing the roof with nice new tiles instead of the corrugated tin, and when they finished they took a step back to examine their work and the whole thing collapsed. I guess the walls couldn't hold the weight of the new roof. There is nothing there now but a pile debris." She smiled, "you said it would fall Elder Hee-bones and it fell."

I laughed, that was not what I had meant exactly, but the thought of Sombrero reaping what he had sown by having his church fall to pieces did my heart some good. I couldn't wait to tell Crow.

"And now what?" I asked Abril. "Where do you go to church now?

"Nowhere."

"Promise me, that when you get back, you'll go by the missionaries pupilaye and invite them back to Las Rosas."

She smiled and said, "We'll see," and walked off into the crowd.

Elder Sian looked at me and said, "I think you have a story to tell me, Elder."

Questions with Kyler

"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work."
-Gallagher

Kyler, is true that you got picked on at school today?
Yeah, this mean boy was pulling on the back of my shirt and wouldn't let go.
Why was he doing that?
Cuz he's mean!
Do you know his name?
No, he's in the other kindergarten class.
Well, tell me what happened.
The teacher grabbed him and made his sit against the wall and lose recess.
Kyler, please tell me what happened.
Well, me and this other boy were just wrestling and...
Wait, is this the same boy that grabbed your shirt?
No! It was his friend.
So, who was the boy you were wrestling with?
I don't know. Another boy at the playground.
And you were playing, you know play wrestling?
Yeah!
Kyler, did the other boy know you were play wrestling?
No.
You just walked up to him and started wrestling?
Yeah.
Kyler, Kyler, Kyler.
What!?
And then why did his friend grab your shirt?
Because I was sitting on top of him, and he started calling for help.
And so his friend was just trying to get you off him?
Yeah, but he wouldn't let go of my shirt.
So what did you do?
I called over all my friends.
You did?
Yeah, and they came and brought the teacher.
And she saw the other boy pulling on your shirt.
Yeah, and he got in trouble.
Did she know he was only trying to help his friend?
No.
Did you tell her?
No.
Did she know you were wrestling?
No. We are not supposed to wrestle at recess.
So why were you wrestling?
The other boy wanted to.
I thought you said he didn't know you were playing.
He didn't. I just walked up to him and started play wrestling with him because he wanted to I thought.
So the boy that pulled your shirt lost recess for the day, and he was only trying to help his friend?
Yeah, but he wouldn't let go.
Kyler.
What?
Please don't wrestle any more at school. And I want you to say sorry to both of those boys tomorrow, Okay?
Okay Dad. Dad?
Yeah.
Wanna wrestle?

Give me a break...

"If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled
remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work."
-John Alejandro King

...Chloey Shea broke her arm 10 days ago, which makes sense because she just hasn't been through enough skeletal trauma in her short life span. She got bumped by Kyler, she hit the floor and the floor hit back. She broke her arm in 3 places just below her elbow. We were told that before it could be casted, we needed to a have a specialist look at it, something about growthplates and bones and awkward locations for breaks in 3 yr olds. So we went to a specialist who told us we needed to see a children's orthopedic specialist (I guess he wasn't special enough) at Primary Children's Hospital. Turns out that the same surgeon who performed her bi-lateral hip dysplasia corrective surgeries helped her this time around. She said she was fine and could have been casted at the other doctor's, but we were grateful for the opportunity to pay 3 co-pays instead of just one. So now she is living with a bright pink cast, and Kyler is keeping his distance.
We have been giving her chewable children's benadryl every few hours for itchiness, and to help her fall asleep. I don't know about you, but the pills come in those little plastic packages that require you to first peel of the backing and then pop the pill out, and they drive me crazy. I cannot for the life of me get those things out in under 10 minutes. So last night when Chloey came down stairs to inform us that she had opened and ate 5 pills, I had my doubts. She could not open one, let alone 5, especially with one hand in cast. So we got an unopened one and asked her to open it. 30 seconds later I was on the phone with poison control to ask what to do with a child who has opened and consumed 5 benadryl tablets in a 2 minute time span. Turns out she is fine, and still sleeping...